Today, I’m feeling quite lost since quitting my job. While I intended to take a few months off—and it’s only been maybe a month— the other goal was to explore something new, but that hasn’t materialized into anything yet. I have been reading extensively, particularly career-related and philosophy books I’ve had on my list for a while—hoping that something would come to me, but nothing has. One thing that’s become evident is that I haven’t felt there’s much to explore—computers and coding are the only skills I really have that seem to have any potential for continuing a successful career. I was hoping that something new would spark my interest, perhaps even within the coding field, but it hasn’t felt that way yet. The past few weeks have been filled with distractions, like binging YouTube videos and scrolling through Instagram and Facebook. I started learning Ruby last week, but even that has faded away. It’s not that I’m uninterested—after learning the syntax (which I really love BTW), I’m stuck as to what I should even build with it.
Having this time away from work I feel a lot better—and healthier—otherwise, but the thought of getting out there, finding a job, and doing something always brings back negative feelings of stress, pressure, unrealistic estimates, or building something that I have no interest in. Despite having a positive financial situation to pass this time, that won’t last forever!
There’s this empty space where my work is supposed to go—and I don’t know how to fill it. Tennis? Programming? Something else? I’m still coming up with nothing that’s really getting me anywhere. But I’m tired of not doing anything about it! I want to find something exciting and energizing, but I’m not sure what it is—books and spontaneous reaching hasn’t brought me much insight about what I might be doing in the new few months.
Kodawari
I have, though, been learning a lot about myself—I’d say that has been the most productive thing I’ve been doing. And on that note, I’ve learned a word that explains the type of worker I am: Kodawari: which a Japanese term that conveys the relentless, almost obsessive, pursuit of perfection—especially in areas most people will never notice. Much how Steve Wozniak made the motherboard of the first Apple computers aesthetically appealing—even though the customer would never really see it—that’s how I work, and it was nice knowing there’s a word for people like me.
“Nobody would ever know that I’d done that. It was my private perfection. I realized that, in my head, this PC board represented myself, and that’s how perfect (as can be) I was. When you care, it’s not about money. It’s about yourself and your ability and your desire to do as good a job as possible.”